I was born a rebel with a fearless spirit. Even though I am of Asian descent which people often perceive as a quieter, polite and rule-abiding race, I was nowhere close to being your typical Asian. I think I spent most of my life trying to disprove the stereotypical perceptions of Asians. For example, I am NOT a slow and bad driver. I am sure most of you have pulled behind a pokey Asian driver driving 10 below the speed limit and you muttered under your breath, "Asian drivers!!" No worries, I did too and my family is quick to remind me I am Asian. However, they will also be the first to tell you I am a maniac behind the wheel. I usually drive 10 over the limit and have little to no tolerance for pokey drivers. My husband often yells at me to slow down and asks if I am racing. I usually reply no but I know that is a total lie:) Along with that fire within me to prove myself came the spirit of fearlessness. Since I was a little girl, I can never say no to a challenge or dare. When someone dared me to jump off the swing from the highest point, I obliged. I was probably 5 :) As a teenager, I took the car of a boy I just met at a party and drove off with my friend. I did not have a driver's license. I sailed often right before violent thunderstorms brewed and terrorized the waters (almost died once doing that), skied in the mountains of Japan on the Black Diamond trails as an amateur (almost killed myself but tore my knee ligament instead).....these are few of my fearless but stupid stunts I did in my youth. I stared in the faces of death and danger but often, with no fear or perhaps it was stupidity:)
So, does it mean since I am fearless, I live a life with no fears? I can only wish. In spite of all these fearless feats, I harbored lots of fears within me. Some of these fears were learned and others came as life changes and ages. As a little girl, I feared dangling my hands over the bed as I thought the monster was waiting under my bed to grab me into the abyss of Hades (hell). As a teenager, I feared the rejection of my peers and seek to gain their approval. As a young adult, I feared not making the right decision for my college major, career and marital choices. As a parent now, I fear that my kids will get hurt by someone or something, that they will make mistakes that can jeopardize their future or I cannot protect them from life's disappointments. As a person living with Parkinson's disease, I fear the unknown; how badly the disease is going to progress, what if my husband dies before me with no one to take care of me, my husband losing his corporate job and putting us in financial stress. I have no doubt I have a FEARLESS spirit but what is most important for me is to learn to not fear or FEAR LESS.
As a woman of faith and a Christ follower, a life verse comes into my mind.
"Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
Learning to fear less takes lots of guts and courage as you are surrendering all your fears to a Higher Power and learning to trust God that He will always provide. Is it however a hard thing to do? I do not see why it should be. God has a proven record that He has done that for generations to generations. In the book of Exodus, chapter 16 to 18, we learned that God provided for the Israelites when they wandered in the deserts of Mt. Sinai for 40 years. He quenched their thirst with water from the rocks, appeased their hunger with manna from heaven and gave them quails to eat to fulfill their cravings. I may not see manna falling from the heavens now but yet, I see God's provisions for me in my present day life. I may not have been aware of His provisions when I was healthy and running around like a headless chicken but in my current medical condition and limitations, I can clearly see how God has provided for me over and over again.
Story 1: With PD comes the issues of rigidity and so, I cannot sit still in one position for an extended period of time before I start getting uncomfortable and ultimately, in pain. On a flight to Toronto from Chicago to visit my sisters, I was in the middle seat of a very crowded plane. Even though I am only 5 feet tall, I started to worry about how I can stretch my legs when they cramp up from sitting in the same position. I watched as every seat was taken all around me but no one came to my row. I kept waiting until I heard the pilot announced, "flight attendants, prepare for take off." I sat up and looked around, every seat was taken except the ones next to either side of me. I quickly moved to the aisle seat, buckled my belt and turned sideways so I could stretched my right leg which is the one that gives me pain. I looked heavenward and smiled. Thank you, God. You knew what I needed even though I did not ask. Only God.
Story 2: We often have breakfast with moms, dads and grandparents at the school I work at. It is fun for the students and families but troublesome for the staff as parking spaces are limited. You have to make sure you get there much earlier than usual in order to secure a parking spot if not, you will have to park a mile away from school. Once I totally forgot and when I pulled up to school, I was like oh man, I forgot so now I have to park a mile away and walk. As I was driving out of the main lot, a car pulled out right in front of me. Yes, jackpot!!! I waved thank you and pulled into that much coveted spot. Another teacher who had pulled into the main lot before me but waiting in the next aisle saw me and later asked how I got so lucky. I only smiled and said, "I have direct connection to the Man upstairs" :) Only God.
Story 3: It was torrential downpour as I was driving to the grocery store. Great, it was hard enough to get out of the car but now, I have to deal with trying to open the umbrella. Grumble, grumble, hating this disease, grumble, grumble. As I pulled into a spot, rain stopped completely and I was happy. No need to mess with an umbrella. In the store, rain returned and was so heavy, it crashed loudly on the roofs of the store. I sighed but oh well, I just had to wait it out until the rain stopped. As I was at the check-out paying, I noticed the rain subsided and stopped. Wow, how did I get so lucky? Loaded the groceries and driving home, the rain started back up. No worries, I have an attached garage and no issues there. But I have to smile heavenward once again and go......Only God.
Trust me, these 3 stories are just few of the many times God has chosen to show me His provisions in my hours of need since my diagnosis. God has actually shown me how He has provided for me all my life. When my dad died at 53, my mom who was 42 then was left behind with 5 children; 22, 21, 20, 17(me) and 12. Over and over again, God provided for my family; financially, physically and we were never left stranded. So with all these accounts, why is it still hard for me to totally trust God and not fear about anything? Why am I still consumed with fear and find myself worrying much about nothing? Haven't I learned from historical accounts from the Bible and my personal life, there is no need to fear? I do not need to prove to anyone that I am fearless but I need to not fear about anything by starting to FEAR LESS.
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5
If God has consistently provided for me in the past, why then will I ever doubt that He will provide for me now, future and eternity?
If God has consistently provided for me in the past, why then will I ever doubt that He will provide for me now, future and eternity?
