Purpose-driven Life in the Midst of Adversity?

   Prisoners of war were often ordered to dig holes for a long period of time and just when they thought their jobs were accomplished for a purpose, they were then ordered to fill the holes back up again.  This was done over and over again to break the morale of these prisoners. This form of torture was done to remind the prisoners there was no purpose for them to be alive, to break their will to live and to just give up.  There is nothing worse than the feeling of hopelessness. When one loses hope and sense of purpose in life, one also loses the will to live.

   Since I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in 2013, one of the key question I ask myself these days is why did God allow me to be stricken with this disease, and what is my purpose in life now in the midst of this disease? I started thinking back to when I was much younger.  I was in high school and was walking to the bus stop with a group of my friends. I was so engrossed in our conversation that I stepped off the curb to cross a busy street without looking to see if there was any vehicles coming my way.  I was just about to step off when my friend yelled at me and pulled me back just in time by grabbing onto my pinky.  A big public bus just missed me by inches!! Wow, close call.......God must not wanted me that day, phew. I was also an avid sailor when I was a teenager in Singapore.  My boyfriend then owned a sail boat and every weekend, we took the big boat out.  We especially loved to sail right before a storm brewed because that meant a lot more wind which equated to a lot more fun.  So that one day, a storm was brewing and we took the boat out.  The wind was so strong that 3 of us had to hike out of our boat to balance it(that is when you put your feet under the straps on the boat, holding a rope and throwing yourself out of the boat backward to balance the boat so it won't capsize).  My whole body was literally out of the boat except my feet and the waves were sweeping over my head as we sailed in the wind.  Well, the wind decided to change direction and we all did not have enough time to pull our body back into the boat and so, we capsized.  I was thrown into the crashing waves and then realized a rope was entangled with one of my feet as I fell backward.  I was in utter panic and tried swimming to the surface while trying to free my foot from the rope.  To my dismay, I also realized the big sail of the boat was right on top of me and I could not find an open area for me to resurface so that I can breathe.  I started to choke on the sea water and remembered vividly praying to God to spare my life.  Right after, I felt a tug on my life jacket and felt someone pulling me up.  My boyfriend, Paul had realized I was missing and dove under to find me.  Thank God, he did.  I cheated death again.  My life was never dull for me.  When I was 20 and living in Japan, I went skiing in the mountains of a popular resort. I was an inexperienced skier but decided to go to the higher stations with my friends.  Why you may ask, I really have no good answer for you. Anyway, I was on the ski lift on the way up to the near top when I jumped off the chair to start skiing down the mountain.  Lo and behold, I got off too early and started to slide back instead of skiing down.  I heard the Japanese lift operator started screaming in Japanese and with my limited Japanese then, I had no idea what he was saying.  I looked behind me and realized I was sliding back to the edge of the cliff where there was a huge drop which would have surely kill me if I had gone over.  Miraculously, my skis stopped sliding with half of it sticking out over the edge of the cliff.  Not a single hair moved and I stopped breathing.  The Japanese man stuck out a long metal pole to me as I slowly grabbed it and he pulled me in.  He looked at me furious and I was sure he called me some choice names but fortunately for me, I had no clue what he said.  That day, I told myself that I was one lucky gal. Then in 1997, I was driving home with my 2 little boys after the movie, Matilda.  It was raining that day and up till today,  I still remember what my boys and I wore.  I was turning left when I saw this big brown Ford Astro van coming at me fast on my left.  I gunned my Ford Windstar minivan but with the slippery road, it did not get too far.  All I remembered was the loud pop sound, blacked out (like that moment was lost forever and I did not remember anything) and when I came to, I was facing the wrong direction on a busy road by the mall.  There was silence and I was deathly afraid to turn around for fear of seeing what may have happened to my boys.  Then, the boys (5 and 2) screamed "mommy!" I unbuckled and jumped out of my seat to console them.  My van has split opened and the point of impact was directly behind me.  If I had not gunned my car to get out of the way, I would not be writing this blog today.  When my husband went to the body shop to claim my personal belongings, he could not believe all 3 of us walked away from that accident alive.  So, God has not only spared my life once, twice......but FOUR times!!!  I thought for sure He has some big important plans for me and He purposely spared me so many times so that I can contribute and fulfill this big important mission.  Then, this happens...........I have Parkinson's disease.  How can this be?  How can God spare my life over and over again so that I am stuck in this world with an useless broken body?  What purpose do I have now when I am living with a disease that has so many limitations?  What difference can I make in the lives of others now?  Where is the BIG plan God has for me?

   Having just celebrated Christmas, all I can somehow decipher what my life is all about is by using the Christmas story.  Jesus, the son of God and King of kings, was born not to be served but to serve others.  Jesus was born not so that He could live a life of luxury and splendor (although He deserved all that): to live like royalty.  Instead, His purpose was to come to earth so that He can serve the poor, sick, hopeless, lost.......and ultimately to serve us by dying on the cross for us as the sacrificial lamb.  If the purpose of the son of God and King of king was to serve others, why will I expect my life's purpose to be all about me?  Should we all expect to be served by others or is our purpose in life all about serving others?  If that is so, can I still have a purpose in my life in the midst of an illness?  ABSOLUTELY  YES!!  Before I was sick, I lived like the Energizer Bunny going, going and going but only in my direction.  Now, I have empathy for people living with any illnesses and have learned to live life at a much slower pace; learning to appreciate so much more along the way.  I do not take things for granted and have learned to be content with little.  I have the ability to use my disease to reach out to others who are hurting, in despair, broken, discouraged and some.  Having the platform of living with an incurable disease, I was able to use my despair and created a song/video about hope and strength; an instrument to encourage and help others to overcome adversities.  If I was not inflicted with PD, the song/video I Will Choose (click here to watch the video but turn off the music box first on top left) and even my blog would not have been a possibility.  My purpose in life may not be the same as I once thought it was, but I have a purpose nonetheless: to serve others the best I can.  I am using my disease to be a source of hope and encouragement to anyone who needs it.  When you discover the purpose in your life, your life will mean so much more to you and others.

   It is January 1, 2016 at 1:45 am Chicago time now.  I want to wish everyone reading this blog a very Happy New Year.  I pray that in 2016, all of you will find a meaningful purpose in your life-in sickness or in health- and to find ways to serve others in love, peace, happiness and hope.  Go, find and live a purpose-driven life..........yes, even in the midst of an illness or adversity.  God bless you.

**Be sure to check out other pages: Humor Me, Gimme a Break......(cellphone does not allow you to navigate to those pages (not smart enough:) so use computers please)

    

Curse or Blessing.......in disguise?

  A day after Thanksgiving, I am guessing people are out looking for the best sales on Black Friday or sitting at home regretting they ate the pumpkin pie with whipped cream, hot apple pie with vanilla ice-cream, juicy turkey, cranberry sauce, whipped sweet potatoes, potatoes with gravy, stuffings, baked pasta casserole, green beans.......oh oops, was I thinking out loud? Sorry :) Yes, the 5ft me stuffed all those food in my belly but I have to say every bite was yummy and well worth it!! I will just have to work it off......sometime soon, I hope:)
  As I ponder over the blessings in my life and feeling thankful, I am forever grateful to God for providing everything I need even in the midst of living with Parkinson's disease. On the other hand, I also start to think if I have PD because of a sin I committed? If you see someone physically hurling a wrench at you, your immediate reaction is to duck so that you do not get hit on the head. However when life throws a wrench your way, you can't duck because you did not see it coming. You have no control in this situation, and my first thought usually asks the question, "what did I do to deserve this?"
    I know God is full of mercy, love, justice and forgiveness but my human nature demands an answer to this very unfair consequence.  Whenever something bad happens in my life, I wrestle with the question "is it my fault or somebody else's?" This is where the story in John 9 from the bible exposes the lie in my question. In John 9, Jesus' disciples saw a blind man and they asked him, "who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus' reply was "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 9:3
   Our suffering with PD or any life's infliction is not a result of our sin. Truly, suffering in general is a result of the brokenness of the world, that which finds its root cause in human sin (see Genesis 3). But this does not mean that every instance of personal suffering is a direct consequence of one’s own sin. Often, our pain comes from the mere fact that we live in a world that is not what God had intended. We live in a fallen world, and pain/suffering is all expected cycle of our lives. Phew, was I relieved to be assured that nothing I did resulted in me getting PD.
   In fact, I already see the works of God displaying in my life. As a result of my diagnosis, I created a song, video and blog that have impacted thousands. This will not have been possible if I was healthy and life did not pose any challenges for me. I would have been too comfortable and certainly, I will not be able to empathize with people inflicted with incurable diseases or any life challenges. So, is PD my curse or a blessing in disguise? I think my daughter, Jackie, profoundly explained it in her writing assignment for her sophomore honor's English class.

A Blessing in Disguise 

  
   Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be in a music video. I can imagine the set with lights and action. My hair and makeup done; all ready to shoot. Never in my wildest dream did I think I was going to be in one, ever! It was thrilling and nerve wrecking all at the same time. Bright lights on the set and hair/make-up all done, ready for the video shoot.  Little did I know that my dream of being in a music video would have come from a sad place in the life of my family.  Perhaps a curse, I thought. 
   Shaking and trembling: things I started to see my mom do but not understanding why.  "She is brave and will fight through this," my dad assured me. I could not process all these things happening to my mom. She is too young right? This is not a disease people have at her age, she is way too young. What is going on? I was later told that my mom has an incurable brain disease.  She would move slower, loses her balance, struggles with things that require strength and shakes without control. I knew she wasn't going to let this beat her but as her daughter, it was very hard to see my mom's life forever changed; for the worse. In December 2013, 2 months after my mom turned 50, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. I remember hearing the news but not totally understanding the repercussions of it all.  I had no idea what is Parkinson's disease but I remembered my mom telling my brothers and me that it is a disease she will have to battle daily for the rest of her life if no cure is found. However, my mom promised us that she will fight this disease at all costs and she will never let it define her. From then on, our lives were forever changed but my mom was determined to make something good out of something bad with this disease.  A year into living with this disease, my mom journaled her struggles into a poem.  She then turned the poem into a song and titled it, "I Will Choose." The sales of the song on iTunes are being donated to the Michael J. Fox Foundation research for a cure. My mom then envisioned a music video with the song, in hope of encouraging other people battling with incurable diseases. This is where I come in and my dream of dancing in a music video becomes a reality.

   Ever since I was three, my parents told me that I was born to dance. I played many sports which I was good at and loved but everyone could see my true passion was in dancing. When my mom asked me to dance for her music video, I was filled with mixed emotions. I was so excited because it was something I dreamt of doing but it scared me because I knew how important this video was to my mom and I did not want to disappoint her. The planning and production of the video went smoothly and quickly.  Before I knew it, the video was out and my mom's story was told. We had over a thousand views within the first week, and it was beyond my expectations. Parkinson's disease may have changed my mother's life but it fulfilled a dream in mine.  What seems like a curse for my mom became my blessing in disguise. Thanks, mom.

click here I WILL CHOOSE to watch the video 

(turn off music on top left corner first)

  

 The End

   So you see, I got to bless my daughter in my disease.  What more can I say for she is one of the most precious people in my life? Even my son, Jeremy who composed the music and produced the song repeatedly thanked me for the wonderful once-in-a-lifetime opportunity he had when he got to work with one of the most incredible singer we have heard in our life time. He said, "Hearing Shawn belt out those notes in the sound booth was mind-blowing and a dream come true." What more can I say when I am able to make 2 of my children's dreams come true? Is living with Parkinson's disease my curse or a blessing in disguise? 

Blessing others is my goal

  

Keep Filling It Up!!

When I was asked if I am the type to see life as glass half empty or half full, I told them neither.  I will say "keep filling it up till it is full again." I do not know why I see life as full of possibilities in spite of living with an incurable disease except that is how my Creator made me. As far as I can remember, I have always been very positive and it is difficult for me to be negative.  Last week, Joe and I were at a training to be mentors for couples looking to get married in our church.  The marriage ministry taught us there are 4 different groups of people and depending on how each person is wired, certain combinations work best in a marriage and certain ones are time bomb waiting to happen. The four groups are the popular sanguine, powerful choleric, peaceful phlegmatic and perfect melancholy. Each personality describes their role on a team (creative, leadership, support or details), emotional needs, best at, is apt to be, presentation style and warnings. I started to look at my personality and came to a conclusion that I am the way I am because of the personality God has given me.

Needless to say, I am the popular sanguine. My place in the team-creative person (therefore, this blog and my song/video I created to encourage others).  My emotional needs are attention, acceptance as is, affection and approval. I am best at making initial contact with people, creating enthusiasm and excitement, encouraging and uplifting others and ensuring the group is taken care of and having fun.  Busy with all this character traits which I attest is all me, I do not have time to worry about myself and be consumed with negativity. Family, friends and perfect strangers have been impressed with how well I am handling my parkinson's disease and my positivity.  I really cannot take any credit because it is not really me.  It is how God has chosen to give me that personality and the will to overcome anything negative in my life.  That is the role I have been assigned to.  Also with my personality, my presentation style is humorous and with a light touch.  That is too funny because it was exactly how I wanted this blog to be when I first thought about writing a blog; humorous with a light touch.  I had no idea my personality traits has helped me to envision which direction I want this blog to go.  I read many blogs with heavy information about all aspects of Parkinson's disease and immediately, I knew I did not want to do that.  It is amazing how the choices we make in life is so deeply intertwined with who you are.  I am grateful God made me a popular sanguine :)

With that in mind, I know I have an obligation to keep doing what I am created for; to be a role model and example in overcoming adversities. When you are positive and others-centered instead of negative and self-centered, you tend to forget about your own troubles and tribulations.  When I get up every day, I wake up with pain everywhere and immediately, I am reminded I have a disease I need to battle today and every day for the rest of my life (unless a cure is found).  I can either choose to be miserable or to be a source of hope, encouragement and motivation for others.  To keep my glass full and filled to the top, I want to keep looking for opportunities to be a positive source of influence to others.  With God's grace, I know I have already accomplished part of that desire. With almost 2,000 views on the video I Will Choose, I know I have positively impacted many.  The comments and messages I have received from complete strangers have been overwhelmingly humbling.  I pray to God that He will continue to use me and my disease to reach out to many.

Well, today is my 52nd birthday.  Happy birthday to me:) When you have PD, birthdays are really not celebratory because instead of aging one year at a time, it feels like 10 years as your body feels and move like an older person. I already know how an 80 year-old feels and so, technically I can skip all my birthdays from now on. LOL. Then again, I do like the fact I do absolutely nothing on my birthdays except being pampered. What the heck, bring it on birthday blues! Also, I get off from work on my birthday which is a really nice present.  How many of you get that? Not many, I bet.  I used to tell my children when they were young I was so important that America declared no school for all students and no work for some.  I intentionally forgot to tell them it was really because it was Columbus' Day.  So, they grew up thinking they had no school because it was mom's birthday:)  Hope you enjoy reading my blog.  Be sure to page through the other pages of the blog.  Remember cellphones do not allow you to navigate to the different pages so please use anything other than a cellphone.  God bless and enjoy the beautiful fall season!

Labor of Love

I remember the day I was told I have Parkinson's disease, and that very exact moment I told myself I am NOT going to let this disease define me.  Having that mindset, it propelled me to think outside of myself and the disease.  I started asking myself if God allowed this to happen to me for a reason.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was always ultra-sensitive to other people's feelings. I still remember when I was 4 or 5, my family was driving past a funeral home and I caught a glimpse of people crying as they walked out of the building. I started crying and my mother asked me why I was crying. I told her my reason, and she asked me why for I did not know those strangers. At school, I cried when I saw another child crying, and soon other kids were calling me a "cry-baby". I remember all too well the amount of times I had to suppress my tears so that the other kids will not call me names. I cannot help feeling sad when I see others sad, and I think God created me that way because someday He is going to use that compassionate heart to reach out to those in need.

I think that day has arrived. Every day, I come across and hear about people battling with something in their lives; personally or to a loved one. I do not have to look too far; from family members to friends to coworkers....... Diseases, depression, addiction, loneliness, unresolved anger just to name a few. Everyone seems to be battling something, and life can be so hard. Living with an incurable and progressive disease gives me a platform to encourage others and to bring hope to many. I can very well be resentful and give up on life. I can stay mad at God and the world for letting me live like an old person when I am only 51. Instead, I can honestly say I am very much at peace with my condition and see it as an opportunity to think beyond this disease. I can have opportunities to use this ugly situation and turn it into something beautiful. I think my opportunity came when I could not sleep one late night, and got up to journal my thoughts into a poem.

My creative juice started pumping, and I became a writer overnight:) I started writing my first blog to bring hope, humor and some light reading about my journey. I turned my poem into a song and now into a music video with the help of so many wonderful people with God-given talents. The one thing I am most proud of is that (with the exception of Shawn, the vocalist) everyone involved in my song and video production are not veteran professionals in their fields, but really amateurs who are very talented and very passionate about what they do. Let me introduce you to my creative team.

Peter Kim(Video Producer): Peter is a recent college graduate from Judson University (major in Media Production) He is an independent videographer and cinematographer. He is currently contracted to work at Willow Creek Association. You can also check out Peter's website. My music video is Peter's very first music video production.  I think he did an excellent job. Thanks, Peter.

Ashley Guest(Dance Choreographer): Ashley is a sophomore attending Western Michigan University majoring in Dance. Ashley has many years of dance experience, and you can see her passion for dancing in her choreography. She did an excellent job with all those amazing dance moves, and this too is her first choreography for a dance music video. Ashley's family has been friends with our family for years and they are an important part of the Leonard's family life.  Thanks for being part of this, Ashley.

Jackie Leonard(featured dancer):Jackie is my 15-year-old baby and a sophomore from Fremd High School. She has been dancing with the Dance Project in Hoffman Estates, Illinois since she was 5 and is currently on the competitive team. She is also on her high school volleyball team and the Orchesis dance team. Her favorite things to do is dance, volleyball, hang out with her friends and bother mom&dad:) I am so proud of Jackie for her superb dancing in her first dance music video. She is the girl I wanted to be when I was her age; smart, beautiful and a talented athlete. I love her to the stars and back.  

Shawn Christopher(Vocalist): The first time I heard Shawn sing at my church decades ago, I thought I died and went to heaven. Her angelic power-house voice can send chills and thrills through your soul. I cannot count the number of times she made me cry with her singing. I am just so honored that she said yes to me when I asked her to be the vocalist for my song.  Shawn has just moved to California and I wish her God's blessings and protection on her.

Jeremy Leonard(music composer and producer): At 22, my first-born attends Columbia College in Chicago majoring in Audio Design Production. He has done many remixes and awesome original compositions. Check Jeremy out on Soundcloud under his artist name, INIMIT. This young man has a raw music talent and works so hard in his love for music. Many late nights through the vents in my bathroom, I can hear Jeremy working on his music composition and I pray every day for God to open doors for him where he can do what he loves most as his career. I am so proud of my boy!! Thanks for creating beautiful music for my song, doing an A++++ job on the song production, and helping me make some executive decisions on the directions I should go in the video production.  You are the best, Jeremy!! I love you, big guy.

Michele Marvin(Album cover artist): Michele is a junior from Palatine High School.  She also dances at The Dance Project. I have always told her mom she is a child prodigy because she is an amazing dancer, outstanding student and out-of-this-world artist. She won first place in the 2015 Nationals Dance competition.  She is definitely an accomplished 15-year-old. Thanks for the beautiful masterpiece of the album cover, Michele.

I want to say thank you to all the above artists because they all donated their time and talents for free. It was definitely a low-budget but high quality music video. God knew I did not have money to pay these amazing artists because I am broke with two children in private colleges. Yet, He provided me the best to create something so beautiful that left me speechless.

***Special thanks to The Dance Project (TDP) for allowing Jackie to run through her dance at the end of her dance classes. Also, for lending us the portable dance floor for our outdoor video shoot.  It was deeply appreciated. Thanks to Lisa Gomez, TDP owner and director, for her immeasurable support and advice throughout the whole video production. It meant a lot to our family.

Now, enjoy I Will Choose music video (turn off mp3 music player on top left before you watch the video) and this video is dedicated to anyone and everyone who is battling their own beast in their life. Remember, you are anything but alone.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7

Every Day Heroes

Wow, is it July already? Last couple of months have flown by so quickly and I realized I have neglected my blogging. Living with Parkinson's when you still have college and high-school age children can be so time-consuming. In addition to working, I need to take care of my family's needs and mine. It can be quite challenging at times. 

I have to say though that in the last couple of months, I have met several people whom I truly admire.    These wonderful human beings also have PD, but their spirit is definitely not broken but alive and kicking. Through Team Fox (where people get together to raise funds for research for the Michael J Fox Foundation), I met Michael Westphal.  Michael has been diagnosed with PD for almost 12 years.  He recently completed a 26.2 miles marathon in Maine in 3 hours and 33 minutes!! How cool is that!! With this event, he helped raised money for Team Fox with over $30,000 in donations and counting. Michael fell several times during his run but each time, he picked himself up. With great determination and perseverance, he crossed the finish line. I can't even run a mile when I did not have PD. I have nothing but great admiration for Michael. 

Another new friend I made is Karl Robb. Karl is the author of the blog and book, A Soft Voice in a Noisy World whom I met through blogging. Karl had PD when he was 17, diagnosed at 23 and lived with this disease for over 2 decades. He is a motivational speaker, writer, photographer and he wears many hats.  Talking to Karl, I learn very quickly that he is a fighter and in spite of living with a disease that is crippling, he is living life to the fullest. Karl lives in Virginia with his wife, Angela.

From Maine to Virginia to Chicago, we all have one thing in common. No, it is not Parkinson's but it is the fact that we all are fighters; choosing to rise above our disease, meeting our challenges head-on, making a difference and living life to the fullest. Michael and Karl, you both are my everyday HERO!!

I Will Choose

A year into finding out I have Parkinson's Disease, I was unable to sleep as I reflected on how this beast has totally changed my life.  At one in the morning,  I went to my kitchen to get a glass of water and I was inspired to write these words.  It took me twenty minutes.

I Will Choose

I remember the day I was told,

My life will never be the same.

I have a disease that has no cure,

Facing life’s unknown, I must now endure.

On my knees, I broke down to cry,

Doubts and fears, I cannot deny.

What do I do now from here?

The answers came to me so very loud and clear.

Chorus: I will choose, I will choose to fight,

This ugly ‘beast’ with all my might.

I will choose, I will choose to survive,

For this is my only precious life.

Trouble with my gait, can’t control my shakes,

But I tell myself I must be strong.

All that matters and all it takes,

Is to never give up, and always hold on.

No matter what life brings your way,

Sickness, troubles, loneliness or pain.

Don’t let it break you for you can pray,

God, take away my fears and tears that stain.

In the deepest valley we may stand,

Never alone, He’ll find your hand.

 Don’t you give up, don’t give in,

 Let your wings of strength soar within.

Chorus: I will choose, I will choose to fight,

With every ounce of strength and all my might.

I will choose, I will choose to live,

For life is God’s most precious gift.

This poem has been turned into a song.  See Motivations 101 to read about the story behind it.  All sales proceeds of this song goes directly to Michael J Fox Foundation Research for a cure. For 99 cents on iTunes, Amazon and Google Play, you can be part of finding a cure for millions of people living with the disease.
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-will-choose-feat.-shawn/id991202227

My First Blog Ever

    I am a rookie at blogging but love the idea that I can use this as a channel for motivating and inspiring others to look beyond the struggles in our lives- may it be Parkinson's disease, sickness, brokenness or loneliness. When I was reading most of the Parkinson's blogs, many have a lot of important and useful informations. While those are important to know, my heart lies more in the emotional, relational and spiritual aspects of the disease. I want this blog to be more casual, an easy read, relaxed and some humor to brighten your day. That is why I have music that inspires and lifts me for your easy listening too (except "Her Song" which is a song my son wrote and produced in our basement- that is mainly a mom's bragging rights :) You can choose to turn off the volume on the top of this page (left-corner) if you desire silence.
   Enjoy!  If I am able to make you crack a smile, I am glad I started this blog. Be sure to check out the rest of the blog by going to top of page and click one of the other subheadings;My Story, Humor Me.... Blessings to you all.