Gimme a Break

July 2016

This page is intended to bring sarcastic humor to having to live with PD but this month, I did not have any incident for me to take a punch at PD. So instead, I am going to write about the literal definition of my summer break.  For almost 5 years now, I spent my summer teaching summer school in the morning, and then tutoring in the afternoon. I did that so I can help my 2 sons with their college expenses.  Well, this summer is my first where I did neither. I actually got a break after finishing my regular school year. Man, does that feel good.  I told my family I need to take care of my health and was planning on exercising as much as I can.  So I took up boxing 3-5 times a week, work out at the gym 3 times a week and play tennis about 2-3 times a week this entire summer.  And I can tell you, I FEEL GOOD!  I have not felt this good since my diagnosis of PD in 2013.  Exercises make a huge difference in my PD symptoms.  I really appreciate this much needed break but man, I have to go back to work in 17 days on August 17. 

Oh c'mon, GIMME A BREAK!!!!

  
June 2016


My worst struggle with PD now is my balance.  I am in drunken-mode constantly now even though I did not have a lick of alcohol.  I am a disaster waiting to happen and actually, quite worried about it.  I lose my balance and fall toward a hot pot cooking on the stove which caused me to burn myself on the arm or falling backward onto my standing stereo speaker which caused the vase to tip over; smashing into ga-zillion pieces.  Feel bad that my son had to clean up my mess.  So, what do I do now?  Maybe I should just start drinking since I look like a drunk already!!  Just kidding but nonetheless, gimme a break!!


April 2016

Recently, I was at one of my daughter's dance competition.  Jackie has been dancing with the girls for over a decade and so, the dance girls are like family too.  I feel like a second mom to most of them.  Anyway, we were at this competition and Sophie, a friend came in top 5 for her solo competition.  Usually, the choreographer of that winning dance gets invited on stage for a photo op with the dancers.  Sophie's choreographer was not at the competition so they ask for another representative to go on stage.  Anyone will be thrilled and honored to go up on stage, not me!  Sophie called for me to join her onstage and to be her representative.  My first thought was "No, not me! I am going to fall going up those stairs.  I am going to lose my balance while standing on that stage. I am self-conscious about the way I walk.  People are going to judge me...........No, don't call my name", I silently pleaded.  No such luck as I found myself walking up the stage.  I hate the very fact that PD can ruin joyous moments like this.  The fear of being embarrassed in the name of a horrible disease.  Gimme a break!!

I am fourth from left with Sophie who is 3rd from left

March 2016

People come in different shapes, colors and forms.  While I like people to be uniquely different, there is one thing I wish that is the same and constant in every person-being kind.  I have always told my children it is much easier and less stressful to be nice and kind, but I guess not every one shares the same sentiment.

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and was struggling to pull apart a cart from the rest. With PD, my strength is just stripped to the likes of a child.  Anyway, I saw the employee coming through the door with his cartload of carts, and not wanting to deter him from his job with my struggles, I decided to step aside.  Apparently, he saw that I was struggling with a cart but instead of being sympathetic, he actually displayed displeasure, disgust and impatience with my so-called incompetence.  With shaking of his head and disgruntled sound effects, he marched up to my cart, pulled it apart with so much force, shoved the cart toward me and walked away shaking his head in disbelief.  Disbelief that a human being cannot even pull a cart apart!!  Did he seriously think I was standing there enjoying a mini-battle I was having with the cart?  I was upset at first but being who I am-the sensitive one, I had to psycho-analyze this man:) Well, he was older than me, making minimum wage, collecting carts from the parking lot........hmm, I have to say he has a rough life.  So instead of being mad at him, I prayed silently to God to soften his heart and asked God to help me forgive people like him.  This world is full of angry people........I am not about to be one of them.


January 2016

Being diagnosed with PD brings about lots of changes in my life: the physical aspects, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  One of the changes for me is there are couple of verbiages that are no longer allowed in my household besides the f*#^ y*#.  Here are some of these verbiages-

* Hurry up!
* Come now!
* Faster, mom!
* What took you so long?
* Quickly....

When I am told to hurry and if I know my family is waiting for me, trying to hurry has the opposite effects on me: I freeze or I become even slower.  So, my family has learned not to stress me out by eliminating these words out of their vocabulary.  Also, there are verbiages I can no longer use because it will be like a broken promise on my part.  

* I will be right there.
* I'll grab a quick bite.
* Give me a minute (should be more like give me an hour)
* I'll make it quick.
* In a little bit......
* Just a moment
* As soon as I'm done .......
* I'll be right with you.

Anything associated with speed is no longer synonymous with my life style anymore.  It is not necessarily bad as I get to appreciate little things more now unlike when I used to blow by life and never truly got to experience the littler things in life.

December, 2015

I have joined several PD FB groups and in most cases, these groups are very helpful and supportive.  Like in almost everything, with the good comes the bad.  I do not always agree with everybody all the time which is okay as we are all entitled to our own opinion but in one subject, I do not think it is even debatable.  Couple of weeks ago, a 16-year-old boy at my daughter's school hung himself on a tree outside his house.  It was devastating to all the students at the high school regardless if they had known him or not.  I have seen several posts on the groups about people talking about suicide and ending their lives because of living with PD.  I used this opportunity to post about the devastation this boy left behind for choosing to end his life so abruptly.  Basically, I was praying that nobody will attempt suicide ever......parkinson's or not.  Anyway, this lady posted that nobody can tell anyone how to live their lives and that if she chooses to end hers, no one can stop her.  She then proceeded to say that she discussed about ending her life with her children, and they gave her their blessings to end her life.  What??  Why would you put that kind of responsibility on your children?  That is pure insanity.  I believe in the sanctity of life.......with or without disease.  We can choose how to live our life but we are all given one life by God and it is not ours to take.  I am sure there are people who believe otherwise but all I can say, suicide is NEVER an answer.  Life is a gift even when it is not perfect.

                                                           
November, 2015

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

In light of the terrorist attacks in Paris and the video released of the white cop in Chicago killing a 17-year-old African-American boy, I need to get something off my chest.  I know we live in a fallen world, and evil things like these recent events are inevitable. However, I strongly believe each and every one of us can make a difference one life at a time. 

ISIS is one of the few groups who believe they should kill in the name of religion: if you are a non-Muslim.  Although their belief and actions do not represent the general Muslim community, they definitely hurt the images of their religious faith. God gives us all the free will to choose, may it be our faith, life choices and all. He gives us all the truths about each religion, but does not point a gun to our head to choose a particular religion. If we all seek the truths about religion, we will come to understand which is the right and best one for us. No one should ever be terrorized or killed to be forced into believing in a particular religion.

The incident in Chicago in my opinion is also an act of terrorism. Living only an hour from here and my boys who live and go to college in Chicago seriously worry me. The 17-year-old was using a pocket knife to break into cars to steal which is a crime but did he deserve to be shot 16 times in the back? Just as we have bad doctors, teachers, politicians........I understand we have bad cops too but none of the other jobs allow you to shoot and kill other people. A cop's job is to serve and protect and I know it is a dangerous job where your life is on the line every day. However, they are not the judge and executioner either. They cannot take the law into their own hands especially when the alleged criminal is not a potential threat to them. This boy was running away from them, yes with a pocket knife but posing no immediate potential threat. So, what motivated this cop to shoot and kill the black boy, emptying 16 rounds of bullets with no justifiable cause? Other than racial discrimination and profiling, I really cannot think of any other reasons.  My boys are bi-racial (half Asian and half Irish/German) so what if cops profile them negatively too? Are they in danger now too?

I have experienced my fair share of racial discrimination. I had a white lady cowardly hissed under her breath, "I HATE Orientals" with much venom just enough for me to hear her and nobody else. Was I hurt? Of course, I was.  Remember, I am a popular sanguine and people liking me is important to me. I can honestly say 100% of people who actually know me, love me but a complete stranger telling me she hates me when she does not even know me is very unsettling. She is judging me based on the color of my skin instead the quality of my character as a human being. Again, this woman does not represent the whole white race because my awesome husband is white and 95% of my friends are too but they all love me for who I am and not what my skin looks like. I still remember one of my college roomie who is a blue-eyed blonde telling me "I don't see you as an Asian, I see you as my friend."

So, are people born racist or is it a taught & learned behavior? Working with kindergarteners who accept all races, I can confidently say it is a taught & learned behavior. I have always taught my children to respect every one regardless of their ethnicity and religious preferences. I have always used the analogy that if God only created one kind of flower in a garden, it will be a very boring garden. When there is a multitude of flowers in a field, the beauty of it all will be amazing and dazzling.  Same goes for the creation of the human kind. Appreciate every one, choose love over hate, expect and show respect, acceptance is key and every one of us matters to God. Do this and this world will be a much better place.

Not one religion or race is more superior than others. We are all succumbed to diseases and eventually die. Parkinson's disease is non-prejudiced; it chooses Asians, Caucasians, African-Americans, Latinos, Muslims, Christians, Buddhists or Hindus. With that in mind, shouldn't we band together to survive in this world instead of destroying each other in the name of religion and race? We can do the right thing by choosing love and acceptance.

Beauty of differences

October, 2015

There are many things I do now which is very difficult for me: grocery shopping to name one.  Lacking strength, trying to get my grocery cart apart from the other carts is a classic struggle.  Then, trying to push the cart straight without hitting anyone is also quite a challenge. I am thankful my husband, Joe has been helping me but there are days where I still want to prove my independence by shopping myself. Well, last Sunday's attempt was a huge mistake.

Walking into the grocery store, I pulled my cart away from the others.  Feeling self conscious, I was greatly relieved I did that relatively easy. Yay, first hurdle was a success.  After half of my cart was filled, I realized that my cart kept going cock-eyed, veering to the right all the time.  With the strength  of an ant, I was having big trouble trying to get the cart to go straight. Instead, I was hitting the produce stands, shelves and just about anything except people, thank God. ( I was smart enough to stop moving the cart if I saw myself aiming the cart at another human being.) I can imagine what people were thinking of me. She must be drunk or on drugs or something, they must have thought to themselves. Well, to be honest, I was so busy trying to drive my cart straight that I did not look at anyone's faces. Maybe that was a good thing:) Finally, I was done shopping and struggled my way out of the store. Little did I know, my ordeal has not ended yet. I had to push my cart to my parking spot which was sloped slightly downhill. Now, think physics here--heavy cart with cock-eyed wheels, road sloping down, five-foot little woman with PD trying to maneuver the cart with the strength of an ant...........The cart was pulling me downhill, I was not pushing it!  Ahh, I was running down with the cart and trying to gain control of this crazy cart and SMACK, into a curb!  I was just glad there was no cars around me during my circus act. Someone should have taped me and I will probably win the America's Funniest Video.  I laughed to myself for I must have looked ridiculous although I was seriously scared when I was running downhill.  I thought I was going to wipe out with the cart.  Thank God, the cart and I were safe.  Next time, I will choose my grocery cart carefully.

September, 2015
Recently, I am having trouble walking and standing upright for a longer period of time. Often, I also have trouble bending over to pick things up as my balance is totally off. With that, if I ever need to bend over, I do it slowly for fear of falling over.

So, guess what I am doing these days with the kindergarteners that requires bending over? If you guess tying shoes........kiss your brain!! Yup, lots of that everyday. So, I am doing lots of double and triple knots for them.  Good luck to their parents when they arrive home:)

July, 2015

I think I can handle and deal with PD better if I do not have children who still live in the house. Most  people suffering from PD are in their 60s and up which means they are empty-nesters. Well, I am only 51 and my children live with us still. I love my children dearly and will do anything for them, but keeping up with their mess is near impossible. Just because I am still able to do everything but in slow-motion, my children often forget I am battling a disease on a daily basis.  I believe being young  and naive, they can be self-centered and not as sympathetic as I hope they can be. The only time they jump and start helping around is when I break down into tears of frustration. Also, posted notes like above work sometimes. I prefer turning on the tears though as it is much easier :)

April, 2015

Living with Parkinson's disease is an attack not only to your physical, mental and emotional conditions but it also destroys a lot of your self-confidence.  It is a daily battle to overcome these insecurities, and to tell yourself "I am good enough."  Christmas 2014, our family invited Joe's friend to dinner with us on Christmas Eve.  When we arrived at the destination of our favorite restaurant, Don was getting out of the front passenger seat.  He was having the toughest time and I saw that he was struggling.  Do you know what I did?  I told myself, "Hey, I have trouble getting out of the car these days myself. C'mon, hurry up.  Let's see who gets out of the car first.  Don or me?"  I quickly ( in my mind, I was quick but you may think otherwise but who is asking you? :) unbuckled my seat belt, opened the door and struggled out of the car.  Yes, I won, I won!!!!  Yay me!! I was about 10 seconds ahead of Don.  So proud of myself.  Did I mention Don is 86 years old?

Today, I had an appointment with my physical therapist.  We had a great session, I let her hear the song, I Will Choose and was elated that she loved it.  In the waiting room, I proceeded to put on my coat as it was a cold Spring day.  I was having trouble getting my right arm through the sleeves when an elderly lady stood up with her cane, walked to me and asked if she could help.  I smiled at her and meekly replied, "yes, please."  When you live with a disease like Parkinson's, it teaches you a lot about humility because often, you are reduced to living like an older person when your mind is telling you that you are still very young.  It is such a struggle of conflicting feelings as your pride tells you that you don't need help but you are quickly humbled when you realize, yes you do.

March, 2015

Things I struggle most in these days.
1) Getting in and out of the car.
2) Chopping, cutting, salting; cooking in general and housecleaning
3) Brushing my teeth. Thank God for electric toothbrush.
4) Losing my balance when standing for more than a minute.
5) Putting on my shoes and coat.
6) Pulling up my pants in one, swift motion.
7) Walking
8) Writing especially signing anything. Thank God they haven't busted me for attempting forgery as none of my signatures look alike anymore:)
9) Trying to put food in my mouth without spilling onto my clothes.
10) Can't wear high-heels anymore and looking sexy:( Hey, I am only 5 ft tall. Need all the extra height I can get.
The list goes on.........................